I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
