we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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