theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
