I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
