It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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