I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
