OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
