He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm at about main and main street
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
