believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
