"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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