how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
