Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize