I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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