My hair reeks of homosexuality.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Randomize
