i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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