mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
