why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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