If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
