i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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