I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
