Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
