Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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