It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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