this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
