Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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