1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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