in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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