I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's official drugs can't kill me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
