Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
