it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
