he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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