so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
