I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
