I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
