so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
