for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
