i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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