TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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