True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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