Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize