tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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