U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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