You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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