I will die if light touches me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
