either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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