i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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