I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
