1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
