Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
