stop calling my apartment porn island.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
