Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
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