The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
