the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
