A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize