so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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