So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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