i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize