take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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