legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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